feelings - after the loss of a loved one

I just sat there staring at the phone in my hand; the voice at the other end was asking me if I was all right. How could I ever be all right again? The voice had just informed me that my mother had died and even though I had expected the call it still took me by surprise. I finally managed to say I was fine and as I slowly returned the handset to its cradle I started feeling again.

I felt so alone standing there; not just because I was the only person in the room but because my grounding force had been removed. I no longer had my mother, the only parent I had known, good and bad she was my guide to life. Here I was a wife and a mother, with two beautiful little boys and another one on the way, but I felt so alone.

I felt sad as I knew she would not be there for the birth of her last grandchild. I would never see her smile again and listen to her laugh as she told us stories of when she was young. No more anything but memories; how could life stop that fast?

I felt scared because now it was up to myself and my brothers to be the guiding generation. How can we be responsible when we haven't even finished growing up yet.  Older generations are needed to lean on and learn from and we now have no one.

Pat Sinclair
Sep 8 2007